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Jade Tree


by Spraynard

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Recorded at Noisy Little Critter in Downingtown, PA in December 2014
Engineered and Produced by Mike Bardzik
Mastered by Alan Douches at West West Side Music in New Jersey

All songs written and performed by Spraynard.

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released July 10, 2015



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Spraynard West Chester, Pennsylvania

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Track Name: Applebee's Bar
I am every person that you’ve ever ignored. I am the flaming bag of dog shit on your porch. I used to think I was a savior or a part of a cause. I now see I am nothing. Nothing at all. I am every reason that you scream all these words. I am every chorus. I am every verse. I’ll never let you feel done. You’ll always be haunted. I will keep you fighting. It’s not what I wanted. I am all the bills that they slide under your door. I am the bleeding, beating heart hidden under your floor. We move out. We move on. I think I’m learning to live like this. I think I’m done with being ignored. But there’s still empty cups and trash on my apartment floor. Hallway conversations bleed through my front door. The heated kettle is screaming at me to stop what I started, but things have changed and it’s not what I wanted.
Track Name: Buried
Here it is again - that feeling in my gut. It feels like the air has gone right out of my lungs. It comes on after failure. But lately, it’s been around and bringing me down. I think I’m freaking out. I’m buried deep inside my house. Can you help me get out? Alone in my room. My bed broke last night. I’m sleeping on the floor. You’d think I’m too old for this. Too old for this shit. Would’ve learned my lesson before. Goddammit, I am scared. Is that what you wanted to hear? If I hide it with laughter, maybe it was never there. I’m buried deep inside my house. Can you help me get out? This story I’ve told a million times before. Can you help me burn the pages? Burn them all. I just want to know what it’s like to be alright.
Track Name: Medicine
Your father’s cabin. Your mother’s strength. Your brother’s sense of self. All those years in high school wishing you were somebody else. All the secrets told in a haunted house with ghosts you’ve learned to trust. I am letting go of me and becoming us. That song that made you cry in the car on the drive to Delaware. The anger that you feel when people stare. I’m becoming OK with giving you a piece of my control. A new kind of shared autonomy for you and me. I will help you breathe. I will not deny that I need you in my life. Would you say it? Just say it. “So do I.” And you can be the pills that help me sleep. I’ll be the medicine that keeps you awake. I’ll keep you awake. I float through it all without ever knowing what being here is about. But when you’re around, it feels like I figured it out. Some nights you will need to sleep alone and that’s alright. Is it alright if that’s not tonight?
Track Name: Pond
The bottom of the pond. They’re wondering where I’ve gone. They thought about trying to find me but it was just a passing thought. I hate my own body. But I am fucking lazy. I sit here wanting change but just keep doing the same damn thing. What’s the use in trying to survive if we don’t do what makes us feel alive? All the time I had was lost. I’m wondering where it’s gone. I wear a watch for structure but I don’t do the things I want.
Track Name: Everywhere
I saw it in the sky tonight. Much too bright to be an airplane. Too slow for a shooting star. Maybe there’s a fire in the sky. Maybe they’re back for me. I always knew that I wasn’t from here. They said that they’d come here when timing is right. You hide inside your home away from all the demons outside. I saw it when you cried tonight. Darkness buried deep within your eyes and your voice. Maybe they’re all liars in disguise. You hide inside your home away from all the creeps outside.
Track Name: Bench
Sitting here at the red bench in Eberhart. Do you remember our day in the park? Hiding from responsibility. Here I am hiding again. I heard you’re in love from a friend of a friend. Will we ever talk about us again? If all the tall buildings shadow your heart, will you forget the red bench in the park? Sitting here on our red bench. I want to see you next to me. I want to see you.
Track Name: Listen To Me
I see you standing there holding it all in. Your mother said not to interject in a conversation between men. You’ve got a voice but you’re taught to deny it. You’re taught to keep quiet. You’re ready to fight it. You said. I see you talking to me ignoring her. Our fathers said, “Don’t be a faggot. Show her what makes a real man.” We need to listen. I’m so sick of hiding it. “That’s just the way it is.” I’m ready to fight it. You said, “It’s time for you to listen to me. I have stopped breathing. You didn’t even see me gasping for air.”
Track Name: Lost Boys
In my room there is a picture of you up on my wall. I knew you’d say you liked it because I’m the one that took it of you last fall. In my room there is a ceiling that’s slowly starting to fall. Maybe one day it’ll collapse or maybe never even move at all. So let’s get lost just for the hell of it. Let’s fuck up just for the hell of it. I’m so sick of trying to be OK. Dear Anna, I think that it’s time you tried to mean anything to me.
Track Name: Out Of Body
I did nothing to day. I simply existed in time and space. I watched my body decay. I’m closer to death than yesterday. Hold me underwater until I’m about a minute from death. Let it be a reminder of the time that I’ve got left. The rhythm is always changing but the tempo stays the same. You did nothing today. I asked you to hang and you just looked away. I’ve got nothing to say. “I think I want to die.” I hide it with a smile and ask, “How was your day?”
Track Name: Home
Are you holding in your pain? I see you crying trying to forget your name. You work so hard to let things change. But you feel it seeping in - the pain. It gets so dark inside that empty home. The heat of their body lights up the room. But they poison the water and say it’s all your fault. Close that door behind you and start to walk. We’re all so terrified of our own lives, so search for someone else to share the fear that it’s probably for nothing and there’s no way to tell. It’s a strength that’s hard to come by, but you can learn how to be alone. You’re worth who you are. That’s enough to get you home. Your parents said not to stare into the sun. It will leave you blinded and regretting what you’ve done. He is that burning star up there in the sky begging you to look into his eyes.